Part 2- HOPE, God, Sanity

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

When I was going to the treatment facility for that 28-day period we were given assignments, these triggered emotional healing, self-discovery, and spirituality. When I was given the assignment to “believe a power greater than me could return me to sanity” I thought ok that will be a piece of cake. Some people found this assignment or step very difficult, because they didn’t know who God was for themselves. I found the first half of the step quite easy because I did have basic understanding to know Heavenly Father existed and I knew of Jesus Christ, but the second half that they “could return me to complete spiritual health”, that part I honestly had no idea. 

When I first went through this step I flew through it because it was “easy” and a “hope” step. Not a step or assignment I felt as though I needed to spend any time on, because I thought “yup have my higher power, and yup people say that they have felt the healing power… bing, bang, boom (one of my most favorite things a best friend of mine says)”. Needless to say, I had to revisit this part of recovery again, after the grueling truth and realization of the HONESTY (suicide, despair, dark, desperate) part and reviewing the path that lead me to the time I finally hit my knees in all desperation that IF there was Someone then please, oh please HELP ME. I stopped relying on others’ testimonies of Jesus Christ’s Atonement and I stopped saying “my higher power is God”. I put a face to Heavenly Father, I wrote my description of Him and His plan for me. Below is a journal entry from this time.

March 25^th 2016 “My Heavenly Father is an all knowing, all loving actual physical being, and truly has complete control of this world, and the world around me. He is so loving that He created a plan for me, a plan of pure happiness, as I prayed last night I had an overwhelming feeling that for some reason this HUGE trial of addiction and recovery was part of it. But why? I have no hope, I had this feeling last night that strengthened my testimony of the reality of Heavenly Father, but I don’t “get” it. I haven’t ever really had to turn to Him. How do I do this? Ugh I’ll figure it out.”

I remember writing these words because since then there has been no turning back on what I now know, and I would compare myself to a sponge, grasping for more knowledge of this monumental and awe-inspiring gift Christ gave me and you. The Atonement- that is what kept coming to my thoughts, “I’m using it, I’m repenting, I’m trying my best”. But as I view it now I truly with “my whole heart” wasn’t because I didn’t allow myself the faith needed to actually feel like I was in the care of Heavenly Father and more importantly Jesus Christ’s care, Who has physically, emotionally and mentally felt all of what I was feeling. Aside from the Book of Mormon I read the most life changing book ever written, The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox, in it he says; “The Atonement of Jesus Christ does not just provide a way to clean up messes; it provides the purpose and desire to avoid making more messes. The Atonement doesn’t allow us to ignore our appetites or pretend they don’t matter, but to educate and elevate them.” That right there describes my confusion, I wanted the Atonement to just white out the past and “come on guys let’s move on”.  As it does completely erase the mistake of the past, if all I did was “clean up the mess” it wouldn’t matter because regardless of cleaning up, the lessons wouldn’t have been learned and the desire to never use mind altering substances again would never be achieved because Christ needed to “educate” me through the Spirit on exactly how and why it could be achieved. 

There would never be enough time in the world for me to talk about the Atonement, I highly HIGHLY recommend Brad Wilcox’s book, I can’t tell you his level of expertise and truly divine words he uses to describe, define, but more importantly apply the Atonement to our lives. 

Something interesting as I reflected on finding hope again I wholeheartedly had to put a face, description, mannerisms, etc to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to understand them more. To know with my whole heart Who they are and with my limited understanding and knowledge I can picture what they would look and sound like. As I debated the prompting to share my story, I wanted so badly to not put a face to it, have an account that is anonymous and people could still read and hear all the details and facts but I wouldn’t have to show my face. With more hope in the plan Heavenly Father has for me than any judgement or criticism this world would give me I felt like my story NEEDED my face attached. I don’t know 100% why this was necessary but if I was going to completely and honestly open up I felt as though the audience reading deserved to know that I am real, addiction is real, it honestly doesn’t have a crowd, race, gender, etc preference. When you read my story and as I continue to share my experiences please know that it could be or is you, your husband, wife, daughter, cousin, mom, neighbor, ward member, waiter, literally ANYONE. 

The title of this post HOPE from God that I could be restored to complete spiritual health. I wouldn’t completely say I am “sane” I still do things that I can see set my life out of balance, put too much focus on a certain hobby or fly off the handle to my husband, and I certainly have trials and demons to face every day, the change is in that I am definitely quicker to catch myself, but I am still mortal and I have not overcome the world. However, as far as my spiritual health I would say I am 98% different than I was before entering recovery, physically, mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually. I told my friend yesterday that one of my biggest regrets was not choosing the way I live now my whole life. I spend a lot of time on my knees and in meditation every day. I know the word meditation immediately throws people off, but truly and with all of my effort I try to understand what the Spirit is guiding me to do next. My next step, action, or behavior is constantly trying to be better, it is pretty easy since my first step is usually always wrong or off course a hair, I listen and feel the Spirit guide my thoughts, actions, and love back to the course, as it is straight and narrow. 

I don’t say any of this to boast, brag or seem self-righteous, I say it because my life has changed and I honestly want nothing more than for people stuck in any trial to have a glimmer of hope. As cliché as it sounds the “bigger” and eternal perspective can truly heal any wound, trial, attitude, or behavior, the list can go on and on. But truly think of something in your life that you are trying to change to be more like Christ or you feel is something that is hurting you (allowing negative self-talk, negative people to influence you, watching too much TV, not reading your scriptures, not praying, not knowing who God is for you, yelling constantly at your kids, this list could get extensive, then I would be pushing into self-condemnation which isn’t my point at all) with an eternal perspective, stop and think about this, from the start to end of your life how will this affect me, my connection spiritually, and more importantly the plan of happiness that is already in place for you. Side note my niece is going to kill me when she reads this because whenever I give her this advice she always says, “I know it is better with an eternal perspective but that’s not how I want to complain about it”. Back to the point, if a certain thought, behavior, action, action of others, etc is driving you away from your spiritual self and connection (you have to come up with those morals and goals) or could be possibly affecting your plan of happiness that God has constantly in store for you, then change! If you just thought to yourself I can’t change x, y, or z, with wisdom you will know if you cannot physically change anything but without a doubt you can change YOU. Little by little begin to make the shift, begin to be more kind, stop yelling at your kids for 25 seconds a day, and as you do this have HOPE that Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ have our best interest and all control, so turn to THEM. I will testify that I know They are there waiting ANXIOUSLY waiting for you to humble and ask for Their guidance, strength and help. I am so grateful for HOPE because each day I grow and learn so much more and as I do I feel so blessed that I am trying my hardest to head in the right direction. 

Elder David A. Bednar talks about hope and where it is most readily found; “We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1:20).

“Some individuals who hear or read this message erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord. . . We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us”.

And when you feel as though you have come to the end of your rope please read these very inspired words. Jeffrey R. Holland; “Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

Our Savior has overcome the world so when we undoubtedly have trials and suffering we can find peace and hope in and only because of Him. 

Part 1, depression, addiction and peace through HONESTY

Now my story has a few twists and turns that I have found a lot of people silently struggle with, which include mundane life and an inability of finding joy in every aspect of life, infertility, postpartum depression, addiction, broken families and relationships with loved ones, but ultimately, I have a current "end turn" that has led me to trying my best DAILY to live in God’s will for me and be of use to Him. Before you stop reading here and think none of those scenarios apply to me, that is my overall goal for the rest of my life, to stop looking at others and think I cannot relate to that because I don’t suffer from any of those afflictions. But the eternal and bigger perspective we can on some level relate to EVERYONE’S story, hardships, trials, joys, and happiness. As a society if that singular thought process could be applied in every relationship, struggle, and decision we make, the end result is true JOY. I said joy because happiness and joy do not have to coexist, though they can, joy is the deep abiding feeling of overall health and taking emotions as they come and dealing with them in a manner that doesn’t lead to unhealthy behaviors. 

In 2010 my husband and I were married and sealed in the LDS Salt Lake City temple. I earned a Bachelor’s of science in Nursing and my husband received his master’s in business management with an undergraduate in engineering, specifically software engineering. I was employed at a hospital with an emphasis in Pediatric and critical care. After about three years of marriage we began trying to have a baby, with no luck naturally we went through several treatments with our regular OBGYN to no avail after a year. We eventually went to an infertility specialist and after about two years and lots of negative pregnancy tests, tears, too many shots, and lots of medication we were able to get pregnant with my daughter who is now three.

After I had my baby in January of 2015 I decided to stay home, shortly after having my daughter and as I recall it was around when my husband went back to work I started having some dark thoughts. Never once did I think of harming my baby, but I truly felt as though I had no worth other than to be a feeding machine. I loved my daughter and had ZERO resentment toward her I just couldn’t figure out why life was just so hard. I sit home all day and feed every 2-3 hours, how can I feel as though this is hard. The days began to get darker and the more I pushed the emotions aside instead of actually feeling them I fell deeper into the dark. I would voice several times to several people who probably could tell something was off, that “I AM FINE”. I kept coming up short when I would think maybe if I just said something to someone it would help. However, my pride (the enmity of all that is joyful) continued to win. I honestly will never understand why God allows postpartum depression and anxiety to affect a woman who just went through the most uncomfortable nine months of their lives, the most painful few/many hours they will ever experience, then have to be in recovery mode while a helpless tiny newborn’s life relies completely on you for survival (if you breastfeed, which I did and truly did love every second of that) and if that’s not enough here you go sweet little mommy let’s make you feel like complete and total garbage and feel as though the world is closing in on you and is truly DARK. Something I have learned through research, recovery and prayer is that I don’t have to understand. I have so much faith in my Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness that I know that for whatever reason we are given that burden of depression after having a child, it is meant for a greater purpose. Maybe we won’t understand in this life why, but Heavenly Father does and that makes EVERYTHING ok. The better news to me that I have found is that Jesus Christ felt all those dark depressing emotions and feelings, He truly took it upon Himself to feel all of that so when we do in this mortal existence if we turn to our Savior He will comfort us and He will give the grace needed that we cannot with all our might, mind, and strength muster up. 

In the midst of this depression and darkness I began to get headaches, probably too much diet coke, no sleep, and of course fighting with all my might to place a plastic smile on me and be all “put together” when I was totally BROKEN. I had to only take the pain medication for a few days after getting home from the hospital but one day I had the worst headache and took one of those pills I had from delivery for the headache, and without any reserve I will tell you I felt completely free from the darkness and the negative emotion I had bottled up for those few weeks. The bliss I felt was unreal, I cleaned my house, showered and got ready. I made dinner and I even went for a really long walk outside in February (it was a warm one that year for Utah ). After a few hours, the medication wore off and I felt the world close back in and it was dark again. To say I was “hooked” after that first pill wouldn’t be totally true because it was hit and miss the days I would take mind altering substances. But I can tell you that I for sure craved to feel that normalcy in my life again. After taking pills on and off for a few months I owned up to my husband and told him I thought I was depressed, I am going to be honest here it wasn’t 100% me that came up with that decision to allow him to help me. There were several people with good intentions who were giving me subtle hints they knew something was up and a few people mentioning to my husband that something was wrong. Well as good as intentions as they were I wasn’t willing to be fully upfront yet, important thing to note as you help an addict, you truly have no way of helping them until they take the first step. Never did I feel unloved or unwanted but I did feel like there was a slight condition of that love, so my advice is hate the behavior please don’t ever hate the addict. 

I am going to fast forward a hair because basically it was a mix of getting on and off antidepressants, saying “screw that it takes too long to work” and turning back to mind altering pills. I was going to the doctor a lot and coming up with all sorts of reasons why I would need something mind altering. 

Several months later after stealing pills from loved ones and getting cut off by doctors, my husband and I had the conversation that maybe I was an addict. HAHAHAHAHAHA that was my honest thought along with “well no duh I am but there is no way in HELL I will ever tell you I am, plus I kind of still don’t think I am”. If you have ever heard the first step of any recovery program it is, we admitted we were powerless to overcome our addiction and our lives have become unmanageable. It is the first step because once YOU truly believe you are an addict that is when the magic and miracles starts to happen. That was the reason for my advice about helping an addict, until they 100% admit they cannot stop using drugs, drinking alcohol, viewing pornography, craving sex (in an unhealthy way), over eating, gambling, smoking, etc. whatever the addiction if you cannot just stop and never even think about wanting to do it again then you are probably an addict. But that it is why step one is so vital to recovery because it is all up to the addict. Once you are honest with yourself then others can help you, but more importantly God can help you, because this is about the time we hit our knees in full desperation and prayer, and the pain of using has become greater than any pain recovery will bring. 

I went to a meeting, sat in a room and remember thinking “wow these people are freaking brave!” I would NEVER share that with anyone, I don’t care if you are all complete strangers.. well look at me now, sharing my story with COUNTLESS people! But I did come home from that meeting itching to use again and told my husband that those meetings were for weird people that are talking about "God carrying them through the hardest parts of their life" and just complaining about "dumb stuff". “I can just stop.” “I will just stop.” “Babe I am sorry.” These statements were a continual circle, these were the things I would continue to say to my husband and anyone else who tried to support me. 

Well I am going to fast forward again about a month, my husband was done, he was ready to jump ship and was so sick of the lies that I continued to spin and threatened calling the police along with a threat that he would do everything in his power to not allow me to ever see my daughter again. So, hello this should have been my wakeup call, right? Well ok yes, I tried a new approach to slide under the radar of not actually quitting but looking as though I would. I joined a treatment facility that I would just have to go to at night and that I would rush through and say ok babe and all you other nay sayers I did it and now I’m good let’s move on with our lives. I lasted two days, I came home with a sappy excuse “they are all like meth addicts and have really serious problems, I do not belong there, I honestly think that will just hurt me”. It’s almost comical how blind I was to reality, and I hate to admit this but I became the smoothest talker and the best liar around! He allowed me to quit after two days. I stayed clean for maybe a couple months when I had a bad relapse. When I say bad I mean I relapsed the night previous and the next day I had obtained a bottle of pills that I planned to take that night because I honestly, 100% was ready to leave this earthly world. My thoughts consisted a lot of my daughter doesn’t deserve this, my parents don’t deserve this, my husband especially doesn’t deserve to wake up and go to work every day wondering what the world could possibly be happening at home. This plan back fired, a dear member of my family came over and I was in the middle of the craziness of the plan and had the pills and she took them without knowing my plan of how I was going to use them. My husband heard mostly the drama of it and without going into too much detail he was DONE he took my daughter and they left to stay at my in-laws. I called one person who I will never be able to thank enough, who I still haven’t told that I was going to kill myself that night. The darkness was too great and I couldn’t go on living in the pain and plague I was causing this world. She is about my mom’s age and she came over and she laid next me as I just cried, I don’t know when she left but I fell asleep instead of making one of the worst decisions of my life and she was God’s ministering angel that night because there is no way I would have stayed on this earth that night. 

I ended up going back to that same treatment facility for 28 days about a week after that night and learned a lot about the practicality of recovery from an amazing counselor who I can honestly say had a huge part in saving my life. He is a very spiritual person and he created an avenue for me that led me to my loving, kind and most gracious Heavenly Father. Through the Book of Mormon, I learned of my Savior’s Atonement, my brother recommended that I read it and highlight any part that acknowledges mercy, justice and grace. I didn't follow the story line, I didn't look up words I didn't know, I just stuck to my soul purpose of reading it for the pure intent of what the healing and cleansing power of the Atonement can do and especially what it can do for me. 

I would love to omit this next part of my story but it is crucial and proves that in some way or another we all have to pay the consequences for our actions. 

I was happily in recovery I was attending meetings and I was three months clean when I got a job working as a nurse. My addiction took my husband and I for a loop and finances were tight, I also thought working a few days a week would boost my drive and bring me purpose.

I am going to use a little parable about a girl and a snake to describe “going to any length” for our recovery:

“A young girl walking along a mountain path to her grandmother's house heard a rustle at her feet. Looking down, she saw a snake, but before she could react, the snake spoke to her.

"I am about to die," he said. "It's too cold for me up here, and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains, and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you."

"No," the girl replied. "I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. And if I pick you up, you will bite me and your bite is poisonous."

"No, no," the snake said. "If you help me, you will be my best friend. I will treat you differently."

The young girl sat down on a rock for a moment to rest and think things over. She looked at the beautiful markings on the snake and she had to admit he was the most beautiful snake she had ever seen.

Suddenly, she said, "I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness."

She then reached over, put the snake gently under her coat and continued toward her grandmother's house.

Within a moment, she felt a sharp pain in her side. The snake had bitten her! 

"How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me, and I trusted you!"

"You knew what I was when you picked me up," he hissed as he slithered away.

Well I knew getting a job in the department of nursing where I would deal with opiate prescription medications was indeed a snake. If your reading this and your addiction isn't drugs things such as driving past the liquor store is a snake, having access to a phone and ability to be completely alone to view pornography is a snake, buying your favorite treats if you are addicted to over eating is a snake, keeping your drug dealers name in you phone is a snake, the list can go on and on. But I continued to tell myself that I knew that it was different I was happy and clean, regardless of being around pills I am living a different life. The beginning of your recovery has to include going to any length for your sobriety and has to continue that way because Satan is cunning and baffling and will work in anyway to have you return to your addiction. I work a program of COMPLETE ABSTINENCE, I don't take Benadryl, certain cold medications, certain prescription medications, (the list is long) even if I used them exactly as they are intended. I do this because it has worked for ME, my program is different than yours and anyone else's but it has kept me clean and sober and has ultimately allowed me to completely avoid my mind to be altered in a way that I would "crave" drugs again. I can now tell you that I had not honestly worked step one, although I had plenty of evidence that I would never successfully be able to take anything mind altering again, I thought I was “powerful” enough to avoid them. I never did have to administer them to patients and really was never around them much but I was given some to “dispose” of and you know what I did? I kept them for a "rainy day". That is how sick addiction is, you do the weirdest most outlandish things to feed your addiction, a rainy day, really that was the best excuse I could come up with. Well I got some sort of morals and values back in those three months of sobriety because I didn’t steal I decided “I’m a nurse and I know how to obtain them”. I didn’t want to fall back to my old ways of deceiving people, this way I won’t hurt anyone else. About three months later I was arrested for perscription fraud and theft. 

I obviously realized what had happened as I was taken to jail but it didn’t hit me till the next morning waking up IN JAIL that I was completely broken. Like seriously Lizzy you are in jail, all for pills? Really? ..............Really?!!!!!! I can’t tell you a lot of the thoughts I had and I will continue writing this 12-part series on my blog that I will share more details as I process and remember all the feelings I had during this time. But you can kind of get the jest of the severity and the condemnation I was giving myself. I was a college graduate in nursing, I had just served for four years in the young women’s presidency, I am a mom to a beautiful daughter, and a wife to a beyond amazing husband. Yet I am this total piece of crap, I can’t do this anymore and suicidal thoughts began to creep back in. I was released from jail and went to my parents, which at the time I was mad about but in reality, I see God’s hand in having that be where I go because I promise you with all my heart that if you thought that previous suicidal thought was at all real, this one was surefire. I had a gun and I knew I didn’t have enough pills to overdose with, a gun was the way it would happen. As a nurse when I would access someone for suicide, you knew they were serious if they had a plan. God knew I had a greater purpose, so many angels on this earth knew I couldn’t go home but as they thought it was just for the soul purpose to give my husband and I space it was to save my life. 

This is a key factor in the whole process, at this moment I made a decision. A decision that to this day I hold dear to my heart because that was the moment I finally and wholeheartedly worked step one. I admitted to myself that I was 100% POWERLESS over drugs and that if I ever turn back to them my life will without a doubt be unmanageable again. I went back to the treatment center I had “graduated” from and went once a week, this time my husband attended with me, two years later I advanced on and was offered a job there, where I work once a week (Action Recovery Group in South Ogden, the counselor there is the man.. literally AMAZING). I got a sponsor who I now view as one of my best friends and second moms. She is kind hearted and is one of my softest places to land, she voices her opinion through which she uses God to obtain. My counselor is one of my best friend’s now, he is my boss, and ultimately one of the people I hold to the highest regard in terms of life decisions and opinions, and he is not even one bit afraid to call me on my “bull shiz” because he has been there every step of the way. I have a best friend who I have ran or went to the gym with nearly every day since I was released from jail. She is the most innocent, kind person that will ever walk this earth and she has taken it upon herself to change herself and grow with me. We have the most amazing deep conversations and we both continue to push each other to be better, less judgmental, loving and ultimately more Christlike. My husband is my rock, we still have problems daily small and big but through this process of rediscovery and self-improvement we have both worked on our weakness and relied on each other’s strengths. We would not be as loving, kind or happy in our marriage had we not gone through this very difficult time. A quote I love goes, “God allows you to break so He can put you back together better than you were before.” That applies to every single aspect of my life. 

The ultimate thanks go to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I found the plan of happiness for me will always involve trials, and they are exactly what draws us nearer to the spirit of Christ. I am so grateful that I have gone through this amazingly difficult trial because I found a better version of me. The Atonement of Christ is truly impossible to understand, but for me I rely with my whole heart on the Grace that comes because of it. Because of His grace I have been able to have the smallest glimpses of true Christlike love and for that I am eternally grateful, also it is how I strive to treat others now, not because I feel as though I have to, but because I feel as though that is what I needed and wanted most in the depths of hell I walked, to be loved with Christlike love.

My story will continue and I will strive daily to spiritually connect and do what I feel this earthly mission is all about, serve and love others as Christ did, I will always fall short and I will rely on Christ’s grace to continue with all my might, mind, and strength to try my best. 
“When we feel as though we have failed, try again and this time with God.”

Addiction knows no bounds

We are all divinely created different. We all have strengths and weakness that show themselves at different times of our lives. Our mortal goal is to pattern our lives as closer to Christ’s perfect life as we can with all our might, mind, and strength. When we do so Christ paid an unimaginable price so we can rely on His grace when we come up short, which we will. Everyday we will “fail”, feel less than, think we are totally losing control of what we imagine “should be”. 

My very close friend recently had a baby as she adjusted to a new baby and a toddler at home I sent her an article that stated Over and over again different scenarios that all ended with you aren’t doing it wrong, it’s just that hard. I sent her the article because it was specific to motherhood. However it can be applied to every aspect of our mortal life. We are all trying our best to navigate through life, and we will always think as we are finding our way and the going gets rough, why am I failing over and over again? Well, you aren’t, it’s just that hard! 

When this is applied to addiction my initial thoughts in active addiction were why in the heck can’t I stop using pills, I’m a mother, wife, nurse, Mormon. Why am I failing at all of those? Well addiction is just that hard! 

Once I stopped thinking I was unique in the sense that I shouldn’t be tested was when God was able to pierce my soul. Yes I am divinely different and yes I still have strengths but also I learned that I have weaknesses, something prior to recovery I wasn’t willing to admit. I would joke about small weaknesses but Pride (the enmity of all that is good) got the best of me. 

Addiction has no bounds and Addiction comes in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, occupations, etc. 

When I would picture addiction that leads to jails or death I related that to extreme addicts. I always had a thought, “that doesn’t happen to normal people trying their best and living normal lives”

Boy were my eyes opened. I’m not unique as I have seen addiction touch lives of people who think as I previously thought “would never affect”. 

Here’s my example. 

I grew up in a home full of love, I was raised in the LDS faith and as I did rely on testimonies of others for the most part, I did learn the principles of faith, Christlike love, acceptance, and service. I graduated high school, I was a four sport athlete and received a scholarship for my dedication to athletics. I received what is called a “tiger pride” award because I lettered more than 18 times. I was the HOSA President my senior year (health occupation students of America) I went to state for athletic training and took first place, this took me to nationals, wasn’t as successful there I took 34th. I was in the National Honors Society and walked across the stage with a little yellow rope draped over me. 

I went to college straight out of high school where I earned my nursing degree in three years. Two years later I got my bachelors of nursing. I worked in the nursing field mostly with a pediatric focus and on a step down ICU unit for 8 years. 

Rewind a hair to nursing school, when I met my amazing husband and got married in a short 9 months in the Salt Lake City LDS temple. 

A month before I was married we purchased the home we still live in now. Shortly after I was married I was called to be in the young women’s presidency in which I served for four years. (Keep reading this has nothing to do with tooting my own horn) 

My husband and I struggled with infertility for three years which led to the pregnancy of my daughter Meiken. 

After her birth I was a stay at home mom and if you read my previous post that is when shiz hit the fan. 

I was arrested with charges of theft and prescription fraud, for which I served close to a month in jail.

My husband was currently serving as the young men’s president  (side note he is a software engineer) when all of the problems of depression and addiction began. 

Addiction didn’t look at my picture perfect life and think hmmmm ya I’ll skip that family they have it “all together” and they have suffered enough from infertility I’ll just go ahead and move to someone who is less fortunate. 

In the LDS community there is a stigma of perfectionism, and if you have a problem or trial you hide it and keep it bottled up, SHAME. That isn’t the LDS church and definitely not the core principles that are taught. That is the “culture” of the church. If we all shared our trials more openly and honestly God could use us in a way to bless others so much that I feel like I didn’t even have a glimmer till I began to openly voice my trials. 

Bottom line. Addiction doesn’t care if you are a doctor, lawyer, nurse, engineer, journalist, millionaire, the list can go on here but I just named a list of people I know personally with those careers that are addicts.  

With this knowledge know you are not alone, you are not a piece of shiz who belongs down in the homeless shelter with a needle in your arm, but also don’t think as though you are unique. I can relate to any addiction and anyone who is an addict because my brain is wired the same way as theirs. I’m not unique and neither is the person shooting up heroin, and neither is the pornography addict. 

We are all the same and once that is established the same goes for the Atonement of Christ, it is the same for everyone. The choice is ours to utilize its power and gain faith and knowledge that Christ is there to give you peace and offer His grace because He has been there. We don’t have to suffer with any affliction because He already has and is waiting for you to turn to Him because there.... you will find exactly what is meant for you, happiness and peace. 

Success stories need to be shared because in the midst of addiction I felt as though I would never become “great” again. Let me tell you life is better than ever before. Repentance is real and allows the mistakes of the past to be completely erased, I am grateful for the memory of them so I can always reflect on how far God has been able to carry me and how much grace Christ was able to offer me. 

The following has nothing to do with tooting my own yet again but to shed light that it doesn’t matter where you have been repentance and forgiveness from our Loving God beautiful things happen. 

I serve in my calling as the Stake temple and family history specialist, when two and a half years ago I didn’t hold a temple recommend, I also teach relief society in my ward. My husband serves as a counselor in the bishopric. 

I say these things to show that opportunities come that are bigger than we can ever imagine and God can better use you in His church because of your trials, because as a result of them you are better and have come closer to Christ.

Trials are placed in our mortal path because God is giving us something that will strengthen you but more importantly in turn it will change others lives. Our trials are divinely created for us, lessons we need, and after the dust has settled the story of that scar on your life that has been healed needs to be shared with others. God wants and more importantly needs you to find your strengths and bless others and humble ourselves and admit our weaknesses. “We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.” Ezra Taft Benson 

Opportunity instead of Trial

My eyes have been opened to an entire different world since entering recovery. That world is being different. I have viewed people in my life, people on social media, people at church, people at school, the list goes on and on, but these people are all trying to be the same. Since entering recovery the different world I am talking about is just that, being different. This world and all the people in it CRAVE authenticity, if not outwardly then for sure deep down!  I realized this from a podcast by someone who makes fun of "mommy bloggers" who try to sell you their product or tell you about all the expensive things they buy, you get the picture. In the podcast he said the above statement, "this world craves authenticity". Divinely, God created us different and unique, so it is impossible to try and be like other people in every way, or think that we need to be like anyone else.
How to know if you are craving authenticity? Prior to recovery if someone would share a burden, trial, or problem openly and honestly and proceed to say what they learned or what they are doing to solve their problem or even just be honest and open I would naturally gravitate to them. I would re-share their story with others. I had no idea that the reason I was talking about them or thinking about how brave they are was because they were just "keeping it real", while I was stuck on watching youtube videos on "the perfect messy bun" or following people on social media that I compared their "picture perfect" life to my mundane day to day. So if you gravitate to people who keep it real; keep reading, if you want to continue comparing yourself to others have fun on the lifelong pursuit to despair and for sure a black hole.
The title of this post is opportunity instead of trial, I now view addiction as my opportunity. I feel like I have lived 1,000 lives and there are so many experiences that I have been through and came out fighting on the other side that others want to hear. You will always start where God places the trial, you will go through it and you will learn a lot of lessons, painful or life changing, either way you will learn and grow. At that time is where we all have the decision to make, trial into opportunity OR shrink and keep it all to ourselves, stay the same and don't allow others to grow with us. I have a theory that God knows we have learned what He wanted us to learn from a trial when we share our pain, lessons, victories, pitfalls, etc with others. I feel like I keep waiting for a number attached to my recovery before I feel like I can be brave enough to wear it on my sleeve, until about a week ago when I listened to that podcast. No one cares about the number of days I have not taken a mind altering substance rather I am betting that people care that I went through something really hard and came out on the other side and am willing to be an advocate and example of hope! I share my story with certain people, special places, important people that matter and I trust, but last week I turned a corner. Maybe I completely released all the shame attached to my past or I am ready to show God I can do more with those lessons He allowed me to learn.
So if the world craves authenticity, why is it so hard to be brave, bold, and loud? Why don't we scream from rooftops "hey tiff, I'm an addict in recovery and care more about other people and the good in the world than your botox and new rangerover". Who cares what other people think (cliche but really think about it) who cares if you are fat, muscly, a blogger, a fitness model, been to jail, been to Europe, have acne, or you are old. Whatever it is, it is your TRUTH, be real, reach out to others going through similar experiences, when someone shares pain with you from their own life, share your past pain and the victories you experience and how you got there.
If by chance you aren't the trouble maker that's causing the trials in your life, detach the strings, allow people to grow the way they need to, so when they come out on the other side they learn the lessons the way God intended so they can be useful to Him.
Embrace the world God is showing you and utilize the OPPORTUNITIES He gives you to bless the lives of others. A girl spoke in my church this week and said that she heard at a conference for school that across the board a study was done on people who have had near death experiences who are non denominational and a staggering number of them said they were asked the question "how well do YOU think you loved?" A way to answer that with "my whole heart" is to be with those as they suffer, when they are messing up, when they mourn, not when everything is rosy and easy to be around.
"A man learns who is there for him when the glitter fades and the walls won't hold, Cause from then, rubble what remains... can only be what's TRUE. If all was lost there's more I gained cause it led me back to you." Can you apply this quote to your life? Can you let go of who you think you should be? Can you share your pain and allow others to have prayers answered because of your example? Can you live your truth that will lead you back to God?

Holy Ghost and Serenity

So this post is mostly because I have a lot on my mind and can't sleep, sorry for anyone reading this if it isn't my best work! 
I want to talk about the Holy Ghost, God's will, Serenity, and gray areas. 
Our loving Heavenly Father has given us commandments to follow, some are so black and white, you truly don't need to decipher if it is wrong. Things that are so blatantly obvious such as; drink alcohol or not, look at porn or not, steal or not, lie or not. Living in God's will is pretty dang obvious in those cases, something I actually held very dear in the beginning of recovery because all I really knew about His will for me was not to use drugs. Choosing to live in His will bring the gift of the spirit of the Holy Ghost into your life and the light of Christ to guide and direct you. I don't want this post to be about the obvious choices like the ones listed and many more. I want to write about the harder choices, the ones where God trusts you enough to discern on your own what choice would be better  and what choice will allow the spirit to continue to be with you and be stronger in your life. 
Which leads me to what I am going to refer to as gray areas. These "areas" are things like; should I call and confront a friend who has wronged me, should I get up and go see my neighbor I have been thinking of, should I talk to my spouse about something that is bugging me about them, should I tell my best friend the truth when she asks for my opinion, should I really be friendly to everyone around me. So everyone's gray areas are different but that doesn't make them any easier or harder to distinguish what the right decision should be. God's will is complicated yet so very simple, kind of what you make of it. Early recovery God's will was difficult for me till just recently I had an amazing experience where as I was meditating on scripture it hit me that God's will is as simple as changing our attitude. Sometimes things change, sometimes we can't change anything, and sometimes things just plain suck and you don't feel up to making a change. Well folks I am here to tell you that all you have to do is change your attitude. Yes, that simple. SAY WHAT? This can be very difficult at times.
That leads me into Serenity. The very common Serenity Prayer repeated at both AA and NA to close meetings, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." So the tricky part for me was "the wisdom to know the difference", however with this new found knowledge and enlightenment of realizing nothing outside of me has to change to bring serenity. Once faced with a problem, decision, conversation, feeling, etc take a second and "to thine own self be true" decide whether you truly can change anything, once you have come to your truth then make a change even if it is hard. (easier said than done, but serenity is truly worth everything and anything to me so in reality I would do just about anything to get it) Now, on the other hand if you cannot change anything, I feel as though this is where the two last parts blur, you realize you cannot change anything through wisdom, but with wisdom you can still change you. Do you see what I did there? No matter what situation you are in or faced with you can ALWAYS decide to change you. 
Here's a couple quotes to put into words what I may not be wording correctly, and definitely not as poetically.  Viktor E. Frankl was a holocaust survivor, I love to read his words in his book Man's Search for Meaning, but two quotes from him are: "“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” and "“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 
I just recently had an experience with a family member who tried to slander my name and say some hurtful things about me. These words were all supposed to be anonymous so they were pretty raw. In a very brief synopsis they made a phone call telling others that if I ever was around pills I would steal them, I shouldn't be allowed in a facility where a loved one was living for the safety of my family member, and one more sweet cherry on top was I have been giving this loved one pills to make her crazy. Other things were said but you get the jist of it. Obviously by the last one you would think I could totally disregard this anonymous phone call from every happening, but I couldn't shake it thinking someone out there would truly be that hurtful to say that about me (I am not naive trust me I get that people are Jack A's but maybe it was because I never thought someone would purposely go out of there way after a couple years into recovery and use my past against me in such a hurtful middle school way). I later found out that the phone call was from someone in my family whom I haven't spoken with in person for quite sometime and have a pretty fair weathered relationship with, meaning I rarely see them and conversation happens infrequently, but I love them, it would have been easier with someone I didn't really care about. 
So this is the coming together of this post, I had to make a decision. I had to look at what had happened and see all the pieces fall together and find my truth. My truth is that this person hurt me, they said things that a couple years ago would have been more than valid, however they said things that never in all the eternity's would ever happen (never say never except when for real and legitimately would never happen, I'm an addict if I was in active addiction I'm not going to drug someone else I'm keeping that for myself, but I would also never drug a loved one to make them crazy, that is crazy :] ). So I am left with, I am hurt by what was true a couple years ago, but I've changed, but this family member doesn't even live in the state so how would they know. Do you see how stepping back is very important, initial gut reaction is call them and say every swear word you can think of and finish it off by see you next Tuesday. But with an eternal perspective and trying my best to live in God's will the gray doesn't seem so gray anymore there definitely was something that needed to happen that was in my power to change outside of me. I confronted them, I cleaned up my side of the street. Sorry this is anticlimactic because it was radio silence on their end.
The truth is God knows what He is doing, when we are tested, tempted, confused, doubtful, fearful, etc God knows he allowed that to happen. Gray areas come to test our serenity it is our choice to use the Holy Ghost to guide us through the murky water. When you get to a tunnel while driving do you pull over because you cannot see anymore? No you keep driving using you lights to guide you out and then you can look back at the tunnel at what it protected you from or what you went through. Just like this time in my life you may never get a response, never know why you chose to tell the harder truth, or why you had to smile at random strangers in Costco, but God does know why and to keep my life serene it is much easier to change what is inside me and chose to look at things from an eternal perspective and make choices based on my truth which now aligns with God's will.
In fewer words- to live in God's will during gray areas when there isn't an easy choice, use the Holy Ghost to guide you, there you will find your serenity.  
One more quote from Frankl, “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.” 
Bless this earthly life where we get to chose our own meaning, goodnight. 
   

Overcoming Adversity

In 1989 Carlos H. Amado spoke in general conference about overcoming adversity and spoke these words: "Basically, we limit our vision to the events that happen in this life with the greatest emphasis placed on the present. Only when we fix our gaze on the heavenly things do we begin to understand the eternities. Only with the help of Christ can we fully overcome tragedy. It is necessary to develop our faith in Him as the Redeemer of the world. He taught us: “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33.) It is my prayer that when we have afflictions we will follow the pattern that He taught during His bitter experience in Gethsemane. He said: “If thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” (Luke 22:42.)"  
Who could have guessed almost 30 years ago words were spoken that would bring an unspeakable peace to my soul? Being in recovery has brought so much happiness and peace to my life. Selfishly I would have hoped that the peace and happiness would continue without further trial. God's will doesn't fall into that plan and submitting to Him and following my Savior's example is what I have covenanted. 
In just a few short months I have had several hardships fall into my world, my angel mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that has spread to her lung and liver, and I have had back to back miscarriages a single and twin pregnancy. I feel as though I have "dealt" well with these huge misfortunes. Last night life caught up and I vented my soul to Brian. I woke up this morning with a huge weight of exhaustion, I had a single prayer this last week after miscarrying and having a D&C procedure for my twin pregnancy that I would just understand why.
After everything I have learned over the last few years, why I would fall back into old ways of stomping my foot like a toddler demanding my will to be fulfilled reminds me of how easy it is to forget the lessons I've learned and hold on to only looking at the now.
This morning I woke up and changed my prayer to a fervent plea for peace. The answer I received was overwhelming. I am enough, I am blessed beyond measure, I am a daughter of God who has divine potential for good. I am here to serve others and bless others, and going through these trials makes that potential for good even greater. The single most important thing to remember when going through a hardship or trial is that it is only pushing us closer to our Savior and Heavenly Father. The scripture above stating "I have overcome the world" stuck out to me like running into a brick wall. Why would I try to fight the world and try and understand why, when I don't have to? He has already done that for me, all I have to do is bask in His spirit to find comfort knowing He already fought the fight. 
I have a go to statement "I am fine", but when it comes to our Heavenly Father, even when I am fine, the ache is real and He knows and when we open up to Him, He reaches into our soul and turns our weak hearts whole. This morning I felt that wholeness in my heart and I don't know why I try to hold on to present realities when the eternal perspective is so much brighter, and with one simple prayer and study for uplifting words His hands of mercy gave me a whole new light. 
Through it all, His grace remains and is sufficient, that is the most comforting knowledge. "I will not I cannot I'll never forsake our foundation" those words from How Firm a Foundation are the basis of what I was ignoring and the greatest blessing of this earthly experience is how quickly we get to return to our Savior's example and remember the eternal perspective which is so much more beautiful and peaceful. So for now I get to feel the breeze of the storm and enjoy the silver lining. "I know He understands and He loves me as I am even through the storms and trials He is there watching over me in my heart I believe and lifts to bring me home and that's all I need to know." Patch Crowe.

New Years.... resolutions?

I feel like this time of year is all about a revamping - new diet, new routine, hoping to be more fitness oriented, family relationships become priority, etc. I honestly don't want a revamping rather a refocus,  not on what is lost but what has been found. I honestly can say I lost myself and found myself all very quickly, there are parts I wish I could go back and change and aspects that are still all too cringeworthy but I can't say I would change it or take it back. Like I said I found myself, through all the pain, tears and almost unbearable heartbreak I found out how strong I am, and I found out Who gives me the strength.
With this refocus I want to just continue on my path in this mortality to become closer to God and my Savior. All the goals I listed above are great but also shallow, the depth of all those goals and the power to achieve them is from our Heavenly Father and by His Grace and His will we will achieve all.
 I have only one resolution that can consume all others- intention. I plan to set my intention each day, each week, each month, with Brian, with family, with friends, etc. with every new day and every conversation I want my intention to shine through. As long as my intention is in God's will and allows me to grow, is set with passion and will result in abundance I feel as though my minutes, days, and whole year will be blessed and filled with happiness.