Step 4- Truth

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

This step for me came at a time when I was on a spiritual and recovery high, I wanted to do everything exactly right and perfect, basically just get it right. My couselor gave me a very detailed packet of questions that trigger memory to be detailed and thorough about every action, thought and behavior that can weigh us down from out past.  As this stage of my recovery was difficult and painful it was relieving. I made up my mind that I would be 100% honest and that in step five I would relieve myself of the baggage I was carrying around and read this detailed information to my sponsor. But I also decided that she was the only person I would share this information with. 

This dishonest by omission from everyone in my support system was detrimental to my recovery. As I see this step as a very private part of recovery and only to be shared with a trusted support person and priesthood authority, I also see how being transparent and rigorously honest can only help me. It took me seven months in recovery to see how diminished pride and full trust in my support is an anchor to sobriety. I have put everything on the table and anytime I'm questioned or inquired about my past I am able to be honest. Addiction created a bad habit of lying and deceit, which put that as a forefront of my character. Telling the truth wasn't second nature anymore and I hated that about myself. But with practice and patience with myself I am able to be honest true and humble enough to those I love and those trying to help me to tell the truth and not hide from my true emotions rather break down my shell and be free. This step comes full circle in step ten where when we are wrong we promptly admit it. I have a strong testimony of the freeing power of that and how much secrets, lies and pride are all ways the adversary uses to weigh us down and keep us chained to very sorrowful life. 

Discontent

In my life I have always needed to fill a void or succeed in some way. I did this in high school by playing sports, after in college it was earning a bachelor's degree, then running half marathons and one marathon, then it was crossfit, the list goes on. These things I put my heart and soul into and focused almost all of my attention. After I had meiken my gears shifted from me to her and my little family. How to be the best mom, the best wife, do it all. I obviously fell short without some other outlet to succeed I found a way to lose the disheartening fact that I am not the best or not living up to the standards I had set prior to becoming a mother. It was drugs, they altered my mind to be ok and not feel defeated in some ways they gave me confidence that my failures were ok and life is just life. After getting into recovery I asked my counselor why I seem to not be able to just be ok and not always feel like there is a finish line and feeling like there is a part of me that will never be fulfilled. He very simply told me that discontent after stopping using can only be filled by a spiritual connection. 

Crazy that it can be that simple. But it's so true, life is hard and we don't get a free pass to not have disappointments or hardships. Without struggle and humility we will never be strong and gracious. I know this void was always pseudo filled with external factors but now my life is different and I'm different.  Sure I still exercise and educate myself but that void is so readily and easily filled by my spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father and Savior. By allowing my life to be filled with his light it is in turn filling the void of despair, hardship, failure, and unmet expectations. I will never be perfect and I will never meet all of the standards life seems to have for me. Does this mean I stop setting goals or stop expecting greatness, of course not. But I have developed a certain grace for myself that is ok to not be the perfect wife, mother, friend, sister, or daughter of God. But I am the best mom for Meiken, the best wife for Bri, the best friend for many, and most importantly the best daughter of God for my Heavenly Father. He will always cheer for me to be my best and understand when I'm not. 

I am grateful for this trial in my life and all the unexpected turns it has taken me because I have learned what the Atonement of Jesus Christ means for me and found an everlasting way till rid myself of discontent if I allow myself to seek it out. 

Trust in God

Step 3- Decide to turn your will and life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ.
I love the first three steps I heard in a meeting once that the first three steps can be simplified to -I can't- He will- and finally I will let Him. I think that is a way of crying out for peace. Living a completely insane life and knowing that the only way to serenity and that long awaited peace is by surrendering the fight and relying on His grace. GRACE- that is what this step is all about, to live in His will is a huge decision and seems impossible until we grasp the fact that it's not about our strength and will power it's about trying our best and having faith He will make up the difference.
An overwhelming answer to a prayer came when I was working this step throughly again a few months ago. I was reading the Book of Mormon for the pure intent of understanding the Atonement more throughly. I was wrapped up on words and trying to understand the history and story line. I prayed and asked for the strength to live more righteously. I then read a conference talk and Jeffrey R. Holland plainly said we get credit for trying. That was my answer, I don't need to understand the Book of Mormon perfectly and I don't need to be prefect but I do need to TRY!
I don't know God's will exactly but I do know I can try everyday to use the atonement and follow my Savior's example of love kindest and meakness.
I have heard several times now that we all have to experience our own Gethsemane, that we will hurt and suffer and will feel overwhelming pain. This addiction and the whirlwind of destruction has been my Gethsemane. The pain I have felt and the hell I've walked through has been the worst of my life. Now that I have had time and so many tender mercies an AA saying rings true "share your pain". It may only help me to share in meetings of where I've been and how I'm becoming a better person now. Or this blog of writing down my weakness and strengths. It might be for me to be able to reflect back on in hard times or God's will in mind help someone feel even an ounce less pain that I've felt through all of my hardships or give hope that the pain can lessened and learned from.
I know this step is a decision that has to be made daily and I am grateful I have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me to be happy and be of service to others through the amazing gift of my Savior's atonement.