Hope

Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
The first LDS addiction recovery meeting Brian and I attended together was on step 2, HOPE. It honestly was a make or break point for me and Bri's marriage. We were at the lowest of lows and literally had no where to turn. I asked him to go with me to the meeting and it was an answer to both of our prayers that it was on step 2. There is a part of the reading that says when we first attend the meetings we looked around at others laughing and talking and wondered how we would ever get to that place in our lives again. It was true we both sat there hopeless and broken. After the meeting we were filled with the love of our Heavenly Father and saw the grace of our Savior touching our lives. This was a huge tender mercy and sometimes recovery comes quickly and sometimes it comes slowly but all I know is that it was the first step to a quick recovery for us. Last night the meeting we attended was on step 2 and when Bri shared I cried and my heart was bursting for my love for him. He shared about how quickly we were able to lean on each other and turn to the Lord for peace and comfort in such a difficult time. He also said how he is so grateful that we are able to laugh and talk with others in recovery now and it is all because of those meetings and our ability at that time to turn to the Lord and ask for His guidance. I'll be forever grateful for this program and for the Book of Mormon for promping us to always to turn to our loving Heavenly Father to return peace and spiritual health back to our lives.
One huge part of hope for me was mentioned by a man last night saying that a lot of his hope came from his spouse supporting him through his recovery. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I was so grateful he said that because it helped me realize how much that has helped me have faith to preserve through the hardest time of my life. Without Brian's love and support I wouldn't have been able to reach the spirituality, hope, and faith I have now. He has such a strong testimony and isn't afraid to share it and has also been instrumental in helping me strengthen mine. He has cried with me, prayed with me, studied with me, and just allowed me to change myself, all the while loving me unconditionally.
This step 2 has a special place in my heart because it was the turning point for me and Brian to let go of fear and doubt of the future and regret and guilt from the past and realize what we have is now, and that we wanted nothing else but our eternal family and we will forever fight for us.

How I got here...

Last night I attended a meeting I go to every week. The facilitator that night mentioned we focus on how we got here. I think there are several reasons people admit to being powerless over their addiction, reasons that for a while are truly justifiable, legal, in control. I became addicted by a prescription to pain medication following the birth of my baby. I was diagnosed with post partum depression and the anxiety, fear and completely awful feelings overcame me. I felt like I honestly couldn't get out of bed most days and when I would it was only to care for my baby. A whole false reality was built up in my head and somewhere deep down I knew I needed outside help but my pride that was from deceit from the adversary told me I could handle it on my own. However despite this false reality I now was living the only thing I found at that time to feel those crazy thoughts dissappear was prescription drugs. I would take the medication and in a half hour I had energy, temporary sanity, will to carry on for a few hours. With Complete honesty I was a good mom to my baby, I lover her so much and cared about nothing else but her. I hid my depression for a while but the thoughts my head came up with were beginning to scare me. I am grateful I never had thoughts of harming my baby but who's to say that it wouldn't have come to that point. I have a counselor that I can honestly say was a huge part of saving my life and helping me come to the happiness I feel today. He always says we're only as sick as the secrets we keep. I look back on my experience and wonder why I felt like depression was such a dirty secret (also how I feel about addiction now). I could have seeked medical treatment sooner, avoided consequences from addiction that I am still facing. Coulda shoulda woulda right? I did get a few prescriptions for antidepressants but they took a while to kick in and weren't as quick of a fix as the mid altering medications I had at my disposal.

Today I don't feel depressed the post partum depression ceased and I am grateful I don't feel like that on a day to day basis. However I have several people in my life that have depression chronically and I have seen those who have continued on antidepressants and live full happy lives, of course not everyday is easy and full of roses and lollipops, but at least they get to chose to be happy. My honest belief is that when stuck in depression there is no choice of happiness, everyday is a struggle of powerlessness over the depression and utter despair. This is why I have seen a huge change in those around me who are treated for depression and also why I see those who suffer everyday. Because there is no cure and no means of going untreated (medically or spiritually) that a human can endure happily. 

I honestly think I have depressing days, days where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to exercise, eat healthy, do chores ect. I have been brought to an understanding that there can be those depressing days and somewhere in our lives there is a void. A void that can only be filled my our loving Heavenly Father. Our Savior felt those awful feelings of despair, entrapment, flaxen cords, He felt the world closing in on Him and knows every thought, fear, and doubt we experience. That is why that void can be filled, it doesn't happen easy or fast everyone but that is why we are here, to endure the hard times. Perseverance is a habit and something we work hard at everyday but with our Savior and Heavenly Father our burdens our lifted and we can be comforted. He loves us and wants us to be happy.

I am grateful everyday I can fill my void because of His Atoning sacrifice.