Last night I attended a meeting I go to every week. The facilitator that night mentioned we focus on how we got here. I think there are several reasons people admit to being powerless over their addiction, reasons that for a while are truly justifiable, legal, in control. I became addicted by a prescription to pain medication following the birth of my baby. I was diagnosed with post partum depression and the anxiety, fear and completely awful feelings overcame me. I felt like I honestly couldn't get out of bed most days and when I would it was only to care for my baby. A whole false reality was built up in my head and somewhere deep down I knew I needed outside help but my pride that was from deceit from the adversary told me I could handle it on my own. However despite this false reality I now was living the only thing I found at that time to feel those crazy thoughts dissappear was prescription drugs. I would take the medication and in a half hour I had energy, temporary sanity, will to carry on for a few hours. With Complete honesty I was a good mom to my baby, I lover her so much and cared about nothing else but her. I hid my depression for a while but the thoughts my head came up with were beginning to scare me. I am grateful I never had thoughts of harming my baby but who's to say that it wouldn't have come to that point. I have a counselor that I can honestly say was a huge part of saving my life and helping me come to the happiness I feel today. He always says we're only as sick as the secrets we keep. I look back on my experience and wonder why I felt like depression was such a dirty secret (also how I feel about addiction now). I could have seeked medical treatment sooner, avoided consequences from addiction that I am still facing. Coulda shoulda woulda right? I did get a few prescriptions for antidepressants but they took a while to kick in and weren't as quick of a fix as the mid altering medications I had at my disposal.
Today I don't feel depressed the post partum depression ceased and I am grateful I don't feel like that on a day to day basis. However I have several people in my life that have depression chronically and I have seen those who have continued on antidepressants and live full happy lives, of course not everyday is easy and full of roses and lollipops, but at least they get to chose to be happy. My honest belief is that when stuck in depression there is no choice of happiness, everyday is a struggle of powerlessness over the depression and utter despair. This is why I have seen a huge change in those around me who are treated for depression and also why I see those who suffer everyday. Because there is no cure and no means of going untreated (medically or spiritually) that a human can endure happily.
I honestly think I have depressing days, days where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to exercise, eat healthy, do chores ect. I have been brought to an understanding that there can be those depressing days and somewhere in our lives there is a void. A void that can only be filled my our loving Heavenly Father. Our Savior felt those awful feelings of despair, entrapment, flaxen cords, He felt the world closing in on Him and knows every thought, fear, and doubt we experience. That is why that void can be filled, it doesn't happen easy or fast everyone but that is why we are here, to endure the hard times. Perseverance is a habit and something we work hard at everyday but with our Savior and Heavenly Father our burdens our lifted and we can be comforted. He loves us and wants us to be happy.
I am grateful everyday I can fill my void because of His Atoning sacrifice.
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