Discontent

In my life I have always needed to fill a void or succeed in some way. I did this in high school by playing sports, after in college it was earning a bachelor's degree, then running half marathons and one marathon, then it was crossfit, the list goes on. These things I put my heart and soul into and focused almost all of my attention. After I had meiken my gears shifted from me to her and my little family. How to be the best mom, the best wife, do it all. I obviously fell short without some other outlet to succeed I found a way to lose the disheartening fact that I am not the best or not living up to the standards I had set prior to becoming a mother. It was drugs, they altered my mind to be ok and not feel defeated in some ways they gave me confidence that my failures were ok and life is just life. After getting into recovery I asked my counselor why I seem to not be able to just be ok and not always feel like there is a finish line and feeling like there is a part of me that will never be fulfilled. He very simply told me that discontent after stopping using can only be filled by a spiritual connection. 

Crazy that it can be that simple. But it's so true, life is hard and we don't get a free pass to not have disappointments or hardships. Without struggle and humility we will never be strong and gracious. I know this void was always pseudo filled with external factors but now my life is different and I'm different.  Sure I still exercise and educate myself but that void is so readily and easily filled by my spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father and Savior. By allowing my life to be filled with his light it is in turn filling the void of despair, hardship, failure, and unmet expectations. I will never be perfect and I will never meet all of the standards life seems to have for me. Does this mean I stop setting goals or stop expecting greatness, of course not. But I have developed a certain grace for myself that is ok to not be the perfect wife, mother, friend, sister, or daughter of God. But I am the best mom for Meiken, the best wife for Bri, the best friend for many, and most importantly the best daughter of God for my Heavenly Father. He will always cheer for me to be my best and understand when I'm not. 

I am grateful for this trial in my life and all the unexpected turns it has taken me because I have learned what the Atonement of Jesus Christ means for me and found an everlasting way till rid myself of discontent if I allow myself to seek it out.