Part 2- HOPE, God, Sanity

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

When I was going to the treatment facility for that 28-day period we were given assignments, these triggered emotional healing, self-discovery, and spirituality. When I was given the assignment to “believe a power greater than me could return me to sanity” I thought ok that will be a piece of cake. Some people found this assignment or step very difficult, because they didn’t know who God was for themselves. I found the first half of the step quite easy because I did have basic understanding to know Heavenly Father existed and I knew of Jesus Christ, but the second half that they “could return me to complete spiritual health”, that part I honestly had no idea. 

When I first went through this step I flew through it because it was “easy” and a “hope” step. Not a step or assignment I felt as though I needed to spend any time on, because I thought “yup have my higher power, and yup people say that they have felt the healing power… bing, bang, boom (one of my most favorite things a best friend of mine says)”. Needless to say, I had to revisit this part of recovery again, after the grueling truth and realization of the HONESTY (suicide, despair, dark, desperate) part and reviewing the path that lead me to the time I finally hit my knees in all desperation that IF there was Someone then please, oh please HELP ME. I stopped relying on others’ testimonies of Jesus Christ’s Atonement and I stopped saying “my higher power is God”. I put a face to Heavenly Father, I wrote my description of Him and His plan for me. Below is a journal entry from this time.

March 25^th 2016 “My Heavenly Father is an all knowing, all loving actual physical being, and truly has complete control of this world, and the world around me. He is so loving that He created a plan for me, a plan of pure happiness, as I prayed last night I had an overwhelming feeling that for some reason this HUGE trial of addiction and recovery was part of it. But why? I have no hope, I had this feeling last night that strengthened my testimony of the reality of Heavenly Father, but I don’t “get” it. I haven’t ever really had to turn to Him. How do I do this? Ugh I’ll figure it out.”

I remember writing these words because since then there has been no turning back on what I now know, and I would compare myself to a sponge, grasping for more knowledge of this monumental and awe-inspiring gift Christ gave me and you. The Atonement- that is what kept coming to my thoughts, “I’m using it, I’m repenting, I’m trying my best”. But as I view it now I truly with “my whole heart” wasn’t because I didn’t allow myself the faith needed to actually feel like I was in the care of Heavenly Father and more importantly Jesus Christ’s care, Who has physically, emotionally and mentally felt all of what I was feeling. Aside from the Book of Mormon I read the most life changing book ever written, The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox, in it he says; “The Atonement of Jesus Christ does not just provide a way to clean up messes; it provides the purpose and desire to avoid making more messes. The Atonement doesn’t allow us to ignore our appetites or pretend they don’t matter, but to educate and elevate them.” That right there describes my confusion, I wanted the Atonement to just white out the past and “come on guys let’s move on”.  As it does completely erase the mistake of the past, if all I did was “clean up the mess” it wouldn’t matter because regardless of cleaning up, the lessons wouldn’t have been learned and the desire to never use mind altering substances again would never be achieved because Christ needed to “educate” me through the Spirit on exactly how and why it could be achieved. 

There would never be enough time in the world for me to talk about the Atonement, I highly HIGHLY recommend Brad Wilcox’s book, I can’t tell you his level of expertise and truly divine words he uses to describe, define, but more importantly apply the Atonement to our lives. 

Something interesting as I reflected on finding hope again I wholeheartedly had to put a face, description, mannerisms, etc to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to understand them more. To know with my whole heart Who they are and with my limited understanding and knowledge I can picture what they would look and sound like. As I debated the prompting to share my story, I wanted so badly to not put a face to it, have an account that is anonymous and people could still read and hear all the details and facts but I wouldn’t have to show my face. With more hope in the plan Heavenly Father has for me than any judgement or criticism this world would give me I felt like my story NEEDED my face attached. I don’t know 100% why this was necessary but if I was going to completely and honestly open up I felt as though the audience reading deserved to know that I am real, addiction is real, it honestly doesn’t have a crowd, race, gender, etc preference. When you read my story and as I continue to share my experiences please know that it could be or is you, your husband, wife, daughter, cousin, mom, neighbor, ward member, waiter, literally ANYONE. 

The title of this post HOPE from God that I could be restored to complete spiritual health. I wouldn’t completely say I am “sane” I still do things that I can see set my life out of balance, put too much focus on a certain hobby or fly off the handle to my husband, and I certainly have trials and demons to face every day, the change is in that I am definitely quicker to catch myself, but I am still mortal and I have not overcome the world. However, as far as my spiritual health I would say I am 98% different than I was before entering recovery, physically, mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually. I told my friend yesterday that one of my biggest regrets was not choosing the way I live now my whole life. I spend a lot of time on my knees and in meditation every day. I know the word meditation immediately throws people off, but truly and with all of my effort I try to understand what the Spirit is guiding me to do next. My next step, action, or behavior is constantly trying to be better, it is pretty easy since my first step is usually always wrong or off course a hair, I listen and feel the Spirit guide my thoughts, actions, and love back to the course, as it is straight and narrow. 

I don’t say any of this to boast, brag or seem self-righteous, I say it because my life has changed and I honestly want nothing more than for people stuck in any trial to have a glimmer of hope. As cliché as it sounds the “bigger” and eternal perspective can truly heal any wound, trial, attitude, or behavior, the list can go on and on. But truly think of something in your life that you are trying to change to be more like Christ or you feel is something that is hurting you (allowing negative self-talk, negative people to influence you, watching too much TV, not reading your scriptures, not praying, not knowing who God is for you, yelling constantly at your kids, this list could get extensive, then I would be pushing into self-condemnation which isn’t my point at all) with an eternal perspective, stop and think about this, from the start to end of your life how will this affect me, my connection spiritually, and more importantly the plan of happiness that is already in place for you. Side note my niece is going to kill me when she reads this because whenever I give her this advice she always says, “I know it is better with an eternal perspective but that’s not how I want to complain about it”. Back to the point, if a certain thought, behavior, action, action of others, etc is driving you away from your spiritual self and connection (you have to come up with those morals and goals) or could be possibly affecting your plan of happiness that God has constantly in store for you, then change! If you just thought to yourself I can’t change x, y, or z, with wisdom you will know if you cannot physically change anything but without a doubt you can change YOU. Little by little begin to make the shift, begin to be more kind, stop yelling at your kids for 25 seconds a day, and as you do this have HOPE that Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ have our best interest and all control, so turn to THEM. I will testify that I know They are there waiting ANXIOUSLY waiting for you to humble and ask for Their guidance, strength and help. I am so grateful for HOPE because each day I grow and learn so much more and as I do I feel so blessed that I am trying my hardest to head in the right direction. 

Elder David A. Bednar talks about hope and where it is most readily found; “We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1:20).

“Some individuals who hear or read this message erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord. . . We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us”.

And when you feel as though you have come to the end of your rope please read these very inspired words. Jeffrey R. Holland; “Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

Our Savior has overcome the world so when we undoubtedly have trials and suffering we can find peace and hope in and only because of Him.