Part 1, depression, addiction and peace through HONESTY

Now my story has a few twists and turns that I have found a lot of people silently struggle with, which include mundane life and an inability of finding joy in every aspect of life, infertility, postpartum depression, addiction, broken families and relationships with loved ones, but ultimately, I have a current "end turn" that has led me to trying my best DAILY to live in God’s will for me and be of use to Him. Before you stop reading here and think none of those scenarios apply to me, that is my overall goal for the rest of my life, to stop looking at others and think I cannot relate to that because I don’t suffer from any of those afflictions. But the eternal and bigger perspective we can on some level relate to EVERYONE’S story, hardships, trials, joys, and happiness. As a society if that singular thought process could be applied in every relationship, struggle, and decision we make, the end result is true JOY. I said joy because happiness and joy do not have to coexist, though they can, joy is the deep abiding feeling of overall health and taking emotions as they come and dealing with them in a manner that doesn’t lead to unhealthy behaviors. 

In 2010 my husband and I were married and sealed in the LDS Salt Lake City temple. I earned a Bachelor’s of science in Nursing and my husband received his master’s in business management with an undergraduate in engineering, specifically software engineering. I was employed at a hospital with an emphasis in Pediatric and critical care. After about three years of marriage we began trying to have a baby, with no luck naturally we went through several treatments with our regular OBGYN to no avail after a year. We eventually went to an infertility specialist and after about two years and lots of negative pregnancy tests, tears, too many shots, and lots of medication we were able to get pregnant with my daughter who is now three.

After I had my baby in January of 2015 I decided to stay home, shortly after having my daughter and as I recall it was around when my husband went back to work I started having some dark thoughts. Never once did I think of harming my baby, but I truly felt as though I had no worth other than to be a feeding machine. I loved my daughter and had ZERO resentment toward her I just couldn’t figure out why life was just so hard. I sit home all day and feed every 2-3 hours, how can I feel as though this is hard. The days began to get darker and the more I pushed the emotions aside instead of actually feeling them I fell deeper into the dark. I would voice several times to several people who probably could tell something was off, that “I AM FINE”. I kept coming up short when I would think maybe if I just said something to someone it would help. However, my pride (the enmity of all that is joyful) continued to win. I honestly will never understand why God allows postpartum depression and anxiety to affect a woman who just went through the most uncomfortable nine months of their lives, the most painful few/many hours they will ever experience, then have to be in recovery mode while a helpless tiny newborn’s life relies completely on you for survival (if you breastfeed, which I did and truly did love every second of that) and if that’s not enough here you go sweet little mommy let’s make you feel like complete and total garbage and feel as though the world is closing in on you and is truly DARK. Something I have learned through research, recovery and prayer is that I don’t have to understand. I have so much faith in my Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness that I know that for whatever reason we are given that burden of depression after having a child, it is meant for a greater purpose. Maybe we won’t understand in this life why, but Heavenly Father does and that makes EVERYTHING ok. The better news to me that I have found is that Jesus Christ felt all those dark depressing emotions and feelings, He truly took it upon Himself to feel all of that so when we do in this mortal existence if we turn to our Savior He will comfort us and He will give the grace needed that we cannot with all our might, mind, and strength muster up. 

In the midst of this depression and darkness I began to get headaches, probably too much diet coke, no sleep, and of course fighting with all my might to place a plastic smile on me and be all “put together” when I was totally BROKEN. I had to only take the pain medication for a few days after getting home from the hospital but one day I had the worst headache and took one of those pills I had from delivery for the headache, and without any reserve I will tell you I felt completely free from the darkness and the negative emotion I had bottled up for those few weeks. The bliss I felt was unreal, I cleaned my house, showered and got ready. I made dinner and I even went for a really long walk outside in February (it was a warm one that year for Utah ). After a few hours, the medication wore off and I felt the world close back in and it was dark again. To say I was “hooked” after that first pill wouldn’t be totally true because it was hit and miss the days I would take mind altering substances. But I can tell you that I for sure craved to feel that normalcy in my life again. After taking pills on and off for a few months I owned up to my husband and told him I thought I was depressed, I am going to be honest here it wasn’t 100% me that came up with that decision to allow him to help me. There were several people with good intentions who were giving me subtle hints they knew something was up and a few people mentioning to my husband that something was wrong. Well as good as intentions as they were I wasn’t willing to be fully upfront yet, important thing to note as you help an addict, you truly have no way of helping them until they take the first step. Never did I feel unloved or unwanted but I did feel like there was a slight condition of that love, so my advice is hate the behavior please don’t ever hate the addict. 

I am going to fast forward a hair because basically it was a mix of getting on and off antidepressants, saying “screw that it takes too long to work” and turning back to mind altering pills. I was going to the doctor a lot and coming up with all sorts of reasons why I would need something mind altering. 

Several months later after stealing pills from loved ones and getting cut off by doctors, my husband and I had the conversation that maybe I was an addict. HAHAHAHAHAHA that was my honest thought along with “well no duh I am but there is no way in HELL I will ever tell you I am, plus I kind of still don’t think I am”. If you have ever heard the first step of any recovery program it is, we admitted we were powerless to overcome our addiction and our lives have become unmanageable. It is the first step because once YOU truly believe you are an addict that is when the magic and miracles starts to happen. That was the reason for my advice about helping an addict, until they 100% admit they cannot stop using drugs, drinking alcohol, viewing pornography, craving sex (in an unhealthy way), over eating, gambling, smoking, etc. whatever the addiction if you cannot just stop and never even think about wanting to do it again then you are probably an addict. But that it is why step one is so vital to recovery because it is all up to the addict. Once you are honest with yourself then others can help you, but more importantly God can help you, because this is about the time we hit our knees in full desperation and prayer, and the pain of using has become greater than any pain recovery will bring. 

I went to a meeting, sat in a room and remember thinking “wow these people are freaking brave!” I would NEVER share that with anyone, I don’t care if you are all complete strangers.. well look at me now, sharing my story with COUNTLESS people! But I did come home from that meeting itching to use again and told my husband that those meetings were for weird people that are talking about "God carrying them through the hardest parts of their life" and just complaining about "dumb stuff". “I can just stop.” “I will just stop.” “Babe I am sorry.” These statements were a continual circle, these were the things I would continue to say to my husband and anyone else who tried to support me. 

Well I am going to fast forward again about a month, my husband was done, he was ready to jump ship and was so sick of the lies that I continued to spin and threatened calling the police along with a threat that he would do everything in his power to not allow me to ever see my daughter again. So, hello this should have been my wakeup call, right? Well ok yes, I tried a new approach to slide under the radar of not actually quitting but looking as though I would. I joined a treatment facility that I would just have to go to at night and that I would rush through and say ok babe and all you other nay sayers I did it and now I’m good let’s move on with our lives. I lasted two days, I came home with a sappy excuse “they are all like meth addicts and have really serious problems, I do not belong there, I honestly think that will just hurt me”. It’s almost comical how blind I was to reality, and I hate to admit this but I became the smoothest talker and the best liar around! He allowed me to quit after two days. I stayed clean for maybe a couple months when I had a bad relapse. When I say bad I mean I relapsed the night previous and the next day I had obtained a bottle of pills that I planned to take that night because I honestly, 100% was ready to leave this earthly world. My thoughts consisted a lot of my daughter doesn’t deserve this, my parents don’t deserve this, my husband especially doesn’t deserve to wake up and go to work every day wondering what the world could possibly be happening at home. This plan back fired, a dear member of my family came over and I was in the middle of the craziness of the plan and had the pills and she took them without knowing my plan of how I was going to use them. My husband heard mostly the drama of it and without going into too much detail he was DONE he took my daughter and they left to stay at my in-laws. I called one person who I will never be able to thank enough, who I still haven’t told that I was going to kill myself that night. The darkness was too great and I couldn’t go on living in the pain and plague I was causing this world. She is about my mom’s age and she came over and she laid next me as I just cried, I don’t know when she left but I fell asleep instead of making one of the worst decisions of my life and she was God’s ministering angel that night because there is no way I would have stayed on this earth that night. 

I ended up going back to that same treatment facility for 28 days about a week after that night and learned a lot about the practicality of recovery from an amazing counselor who I can honestly say had a huge part in saving my life. He is a very spiritual person and he created an avenue for me that led me to my loving, kind and most gracious Heavenly Father. Through the Book of Mormon, I learned of my Savior’s Atonement, my brother recommended that I read it and highlight any part that acknowledges mercy, justice and grace. I didn't follow the story line, I didn't look up words I didn't know, I just stuck to my soul purpose of reading it for the pure intent of what the healing and cleansing power of the Atonement can do and especially what it can do for me. 

I would love to omit this next part of my story but it is crucial and proves that in some way or another we all have to pay the consequences for our actions. 

I was happily in recovery I was attending meetings and I was three months clean when I got a job working as a nurse. My addiction took my husband and I for a loop and finances were tight, I also thought working a few days a week would boost my drive and bring me purpose.

I am going to use a little parable about a girl and a snake to describe “going to any length” for our recovery:

“A young girl walking along a mountain path to her grandmother's house heard a rustle at her feet. Looking down, she saw a snake, but before she could react, the snake spoke to her.

"I am about to die," he said. "It's too cold for me up here, and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains, and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you."

"No," the girl replied. "I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. And if I pick you up, you will bite me and your bite is poisonous."

"No, no," the snake said. "If you help me, you will be my best friend. I will treat you differently."

The young girl sat down on a rock for a moment to rest and think things over. She looked at the beautiful markings on the snake and she had to admit he was the most beautiful snake she had ever seen.

Suddenly, she said, "I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness."

She then reached over, put the snake gently under her coat and continued toward her grandmother's house.

Within a moment, she felt a sharp pain in her side. The snake had bitten her! 

"How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me, and I trusted you!"

"You knew what I was when you picked me up," he hissed as he slithered away.

Well I knew getting a job in the department of nursing where I would deal with opiate prescription medications was indeed a snake. If your reading this and your addiction isn't drugs things such as driving past the liquor store is a snake, having access to a phone and ability to be completely alone to view pornography is a snake, buying your favorite treats if you are addicted to over eating is a snake, keeping your drug dealers name in you phone is a snake, the list can go on and on. But I continued to tell myself that I knew that it was different I was happy and clean, regardless of being around pills I am living a different life. The beginning of your recovery has to include going to any length for your sobriety and has to continue that way because Satan is cunning and baffling and will work in anyway to have you return to your addiction. I work a program of COMPLETE ABSTINENCE, I don't take Benadryl, certain cold medications, certain prescription medications, (the list is long) even if I used them exactly as they are intended. I do this because it has worked for ME, my program is different than yours and anyone else's but it has kept me clean and sober and has ultimately allowed me to completely avoid my mind to be altered in a way that I would "crave" drugs again. I can now tell you that I had not honestly worked step one, although I had plenty of evidence that I would never successfully be able to take anything mind altering again, I thought I was “powerful” enough to avoid them. I never did have to administer them to patients and really was never around them much but I was given some to “dispose” of and you know what I did? I kept them for a "rainy day". That is how sick addiction is, you do the weirdest most outlandish things to feed your addiction, a rainy day, really that was the best excuse I could come up with. Well I got some sort of morals and values back in those three months of sobriety because I didn’t steal I decided “I’m a nurse and I know how to obtain them”. I didn’t want to fall back to my old ways of deceiving people, this way I won’t hurt anyone else. About three months later I was arrested for perscription fraud and theft. 

I obviously realized what had happened as I was taken to jail but it didn’t hit me till the next morning waking up IN JAIL that I was completely broken. Like seriously Lizzy you are in jail, all for pills? Really? ..............Really?!!!!!! I can’t tell you a lot of the thoughts I had and I will continue writing this 12-part series on my blog that I will share more details as I process and remember all the feelings I had during this time. But you can kind of get the jest of the severity and the condemnation I was giving myself. I was a college graduate in nursing, I had just served for four years in the young women’s presidency, I am a mom to a beautiful daughter, and a wife to a beyond amazing husband. Yet I am this total piece of crap, I can’t do this anymore and suicidal thoughts began to creep back in. I was released from jail and went to my parents, which at the time I was mad about but in reality, I see God’s hand in having that be where I go because I promise you with all my heart that if you thought that previous suicidal thought was at all real, this one was surefire. I had a gun and I knew I didn’t have enough pills to overdose with, a gun was the way it would happen. As a nurse when I would access someone for suicide, you knew they were serious if they had a plan. God knew I had a greater purpose, so many angels on this earth knew I couldn’t go home but as they thought it was just for the soul purpose to give my husband and I space it was to save my life. 

This is a key factor in the whole process, at this moment I made a decision. A decision that to this day I hold dear to my heart because that was the moment I finally and wholeheartedly worked step one. I admitted to myself that I was 100% POWERLESS over drugs and that if I ever turn back to them my life will without a doubt be unmanageable again. I went back to the treatment center I had “graduated” from and went once a week, this time my husband attended with me, two years later I advanced on and was offered a job there, where I work once a week (Action Recovery Group in South Ogden, the counselor there is the man.. literally AMAZING). I got a sponsor who I now view as one of my best friends and second moms. She is kind hearted and is one of my softest places to land, she voices her opinion through which she uses God to obtain. My counselor is one of my best friend’s now, he is my boss, and ultimately one of the people I hold to the highest regard in terms of life decisions and opinions, and he is not even one bit afraid to call me on my “bull shiz” because he has been there every step of the way. I have a best friend who I have ran or went to the gym with nearly every day since I was released from jail. She is the most innocent, kind person that will ever walk this earth and she has taken it upon herself to change herself and grow with me. We have the most amazing deep conversations and we both continue to push each other to be better, less judgmental, loving and ultimately more Christlike. My husband is my rock, we still have problems daily small and big but through this process of rediscovery and self-improvement we have both worked on our weakness and relied on each other’s strengths. We would not be as loving, kind or happy in our marriage had we not gone through this very difficult time. A quote I love goes, “God allows you to break so He can put you back together better than you were before.” That applies to every single aspect of my life. 

The ultimate thanks go to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I found the plan of happiness for me will always involve trials, and they are exactly what draws us nearer to the spirit of Christ. I am so grateful that I have gone through this amazingly difficult trial because I found a better version of me. The Atonement of Christ is truly impossible to understand, but for me I rely with my whole heart on the Grace that comes because of it. Because of His grace I have been able to have the smallest glimpses of true Christlike love and for that I am eternally grateful, also it is how I strive to treat others now, not because I feel as though I have to, but because I feel as though that is what I needed and wanted most in the depths of hell I walked, to be loved with Christlike love.

My story will continue and I will strive daily to spiritually connect and do what I feel this earthly mission is all about, serve and love others as Christ did, I will always fall short and I will rely on Christ’s grace to continue with all my might, mind, and strength to try my best. 
“When we feel as though we have failed, try again and this time with God.”