Part 4- Truth

Truth

Step 4 can be paralleled to an infected wound, with that wound that has healed improperly you need to reopen it, clean it out, and reseal it knowing that everything that is infectious or damaged is gone. Step 4 is making a thorough written moral inventory of yourself. You are diving into everything that has held you back from your divine potential and ridding yourself of it, so you have a clean slate and second chance to do better.

After becoming willing in step 2 that God can help you and making a decision to trust God in step 3, you arrive at step 4. Step 4 is ugly and hard; however, it is your chance to show God your willingness and prove how much you really do trust Him and His infinite power.

Step 4 is a thorough moral inventory of yourself that is fearless and soul searching. As I have stated that I needed to repeat some steps, this step didn’t need to repeated but I did write two step fours, because after my relapse and true rock bottom I had some more demons to put to paper and workout with a bishop, stake president, and my sponsor.

The first time I worked this step I was still in treatment, I can honestly say it was one of the only steps during that first go around that I truly did with my whole heart. I think something was kind of starting to click at that point and the fact that I chose to read it to my sponsor at that time and a few parts with the bishop that needed priesthood power to truly repent of, I felt safe knowing only two people would hear what I was writing down.

Step 4 is scary and intimidating because you are searching and scanning your entire life for things you have done wrong, making a list of people you have harmed in the process of life and bringing up old emotions that were years in the making and some that had been mended to a degree. As scary and hard as it was to write and stretch my soul to make sure it was thorough, it was also really relieving. Knowing that it would be the first time I was actually stating things I have done wrong out loud, knowing that when it was over I would read it to people who love and care about me.

The fearless part of this step doesn’t necessarily mean you will feel no fear, I felt a lot of fear, it was not letting that fear stop me from writing down shameful, embarrassing, and dark feelings and events that transpired over the course of my life and active addiction. I was very rigorous and for good reason, it was the first time I had stepped foot into vulnerability in my entire life. I was rigorously honest, in step 4 it is just you and God bringing to light through prayer and meditation things that needed to be released and things I needed to unshackle myself from. There needed to be no more reasons from the past to use drugs over. As shallow as this sounds I never had to do hard things in my life, I excelled at sports, school, running, and I was a social butterfly. This step was a chance to rid myself of all those “titles” and allow myself to look at my core and soul, reach deep into a place that I knew was always there but I was unwilling to go.

At the treatment center I was at and currently work, the counselor has a very tried and tested method of working this step, it broke my life into sections and instead of a timeline or a story it was more focused. Areas such as relationships, work places, religious settings, immorality, school, etc. It was broken down as such that it wasn’t so daunting and the process was actually really smooth. It was really difficult and I cried a lot, but Heavenly Father knew my desire to change and that was palpable as I wrote my step 4. I felt the Spirit so strong during these moments, a Spirit that I forgot existed. In active addiction, I numbed myself to face challenges and emotions, whether past or present. I finally received a gift back into my life that changed this process from grueling and heartbreaking into something beautiful and soul changing.

This step shouldn’t be skimmed over and sifted through to find an appropriate length or questioning if it should be written down. It is vital to the healing process. I feel like it cleared the air in my heart. I wrote down silly things that a normal day to day could be repented of personally and on my knees, however they still needed to be written down. I had and still have a moral compass, during active addiction it was broken, I stopped feeling remorseful and I numbed myself from feeling any sense of guilt. If I was ever “caught” or openly admitted anything in active addiction, I knew my way out, I hate to even say this but I became a master manipulator. I could sweet talk my way out, and smooth over any problem by simply reading a situation and knowing the exact things to say to remove any hurt from the other person and especially myself. I wore a total mask of deceit. The times I openly admitted things that I had done it had nothing to do with a full disclosure of things that had transpired rather a really good way to give a hair of honesty and still keep my addiction safe and private. This was an opportunity to remove that mask and open my whole heart and soul. I have heard it said in many recovery settings that if your step 4 isn’t thorough and you don’t completely relinquish yourself from those past memories, feelings, and actions then you WILL relapse. I heard it so many times in just a few short months that I knew I couldn’t mess it up.

The LDS addiction recovery program states that there are four vital steps to a solid step 4: Honesty, support, prayer, and writing. I am going to briefly state my opinion as to why these aspects are so important.

Honesty- I know that step 1 is where I came clean to myself that I had a problem and that I was an addict, this is basically an addendum. Step 4 has to be as honest as step 1 because you are writing down all the proof you need to know that you want to start a new chapter in your life. That doesn’t involve your addiction and more importantly a chapter that includes everything positive. By writing all the bad and in turn riding yourself of it you are admitting to yourself and God that life is better without all of this, let’s begin again.  

Support- I was in treatment at the time that I wrote my step 4 so I had a good support system there. However, I told my husband about step 4 and its description and also told him that between step 4 and 5 is where a lot of relapses happen. Step 4 is a rehash of emotions and bringing up old wounds. I told him that I needed him to support me and help me feel safe during this process. I cried several times to him and even though he didn’t need to read my step 4 to its entirety I still wanted and needed to share somethings I wrote down to begin the healing process for us. Knowing that I was safe in both environments and that I was supported regardless of the excruciating things I was divulging made the process OK. I knew I was on the right track during every moment of this process.

Prayer- Heavenly Father is all knowing and all loving, I involved prayer even before I put pen to paper. I remember telling Him, “this is going to be really hard, I don’t want to be brave, strong and just tough it out, I want to get it right. Will You help me remember things and bring certain things to my attention that You know I need to rid myself of?” This wasn’t the only prayer uttered and I knew that prayer would be constant during the writing phase, but that day I said that prayer was the first day I rated myself concerning pride a ZERO on my moral inventory that I took and still take every night. Pride is one of my favorite weaknesses and it is also the enmity of all that is good in this mortal life, a hidden sin if you will. To be able to humble myself to that point and strip myself of something that I felt was protecting me from hurt was so extremely enlightening. During the process of writing step 4 and heading into the repentance process was when I knew the reality of Jesus Christ’s Atonement and how much He suffered for me. My prayers during this time thanked Heavenly Father so many times for that gift of His son, so that I can get a second chance at a happy, joyful life.

Writing- Last aspect, this is the biggest one and truly the most vital. Putting pen to paper and actually taking action instead of the first three steps that are mostly coming to a belief that you can’t, He can, and you will let Him. Writing this moral inventory down instills in yourself why you cannot successfully use any sort of addiction to numb emotion, pain, heartache, etc. It is solid proof to yourself and God that you recognize mistakes and know the limitations of your mortal self and natural man. It opens the door of using GRACE to make up the difference. Writing doesn’t have to be eloquent or perfect, that’s not the point at all. It has everything to do with a long-term focus of what you want your life to look like and what you do not want it to look like.

Step 4 isn’t 100% bad, there is a huge emphasis on writing down your positive attributes, qualities, spiritual gifts, successes, and talents. It allows you to balance the scale and remind yourself with Heavenly Father’s help that you are still a son or daughter of His and that you are loved beyond measure. The positive part was actually extremely difficult for me because I was downtrodden. I didn’t remember that I was of worth. This part of step 4 is crucial because it implants a divine nature and knowledge that this life isn’t for all of the mistakes we will make. It is about making mistakes and learning from them. Finding new strengths that didn’t exist before and allowing a process of “take it or leave it”. I kept that part of my step 4 and prior to writing this post I read it. I am glad I saved it because it was a solid reminder that I am still generous, kind, happy, understanding, service oriented, educated, athletic, and a good mom. Those few things are what I wrote and expounded upon for the positive side of the scale. As I read this list I reflected on how difficult it was to remember that I still was those things and how heart wrenching it was at the time to know that I was still of worth.

God is good, He knows everything about you and I and He has a plan of happiness in place at all times. It is our choice to live it, or follow, our own will that will inevitably lead to unhappiness, despair, anguish and hopelessness.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is so powerful to remember when this step is taken. Christ felt all of the things we are writing down, He knows first-hand the good and bad that we have chosen and continue to choose. He is our greatest ally in this mortal fight against Satan and the adversary because He knows. He has been there, He has felt the pain, sadness, happiness, joy and success. He is there waiting to take all of it back knowing full well that He suffered those things so we wouldn’t have to suffer here alone.

There is so much hope and happiness ahead, the steps are crucial especially to the repentance process. Step 4 covers the first two steps of the repentance process. To feel Godly sorrow, a sorrow that isn’t superficial and just to hurry and get over. It is truly feeling grief and disappointment that you have disobeyed and forgotten God’s commandments. It is also a confession to God “the exact nature of our wrongs”. What follows these two steps of the repentance process and what follows step 4 is only good and positive to remind ourselves that we are of worth and needed in this great work of the Lord.