So this post is mostly because I have a lot on my mind and can't sleep, sorry for anyone reading this if it isn't my best work!
I want to talk about the Holy Ghost, God's will, Serenity, and gray areas.
Our loving Heavenly Father has given us commandments to follow, some are so black and white, you truly don't need to decipher if it is wrong. Things that are so blatantly obvious such as; drink alcohol or not, look at porn or not, steal or not, lie or not. Living in God's will is pretty dang obvious in those cases, something I actually held very dear in the beginning of recovery because all I really knew about His will for me was not to use drugs. Choosing to live in His will bring the gift of the spirit of the Holy Ghost into your life and the light of Christ to guide and direct you. I don't want this post to be about the obvious choices like the ones listed and many more. I want to write about the harder choices, the ones where God trusts you enough to discern on your own what choice would be better and what choice will allow the spirit to continue to be with you and be stronger in your life.
Which leads me to what I am going to refer to as gray areas. These "areas" are things like; should I call and confront a friend who has wronged me, should I get up and go see my neighbor I have been thinking of, should I talk to my spouse about something that is bugging me about them, should I tell my best friend the truth when she asks for my opinion, should I really be friendly to everyone around me. So everyone's gray areas are different but that doesn't make them any easier or harder to distinguish what the right decision should be. God's will is complicated yet so very simple, kind of what you make of it. Early recovery God's will was difficult for me till just recently I had an amazing experience where as I was meditating on scripture it hit me that God's will is as simple as changing our attitude. Sometimes things change, sometimes we can't change anything, and sometimes things just plain suck and you don't feel up to making a change. Well folks I am here to tell you that all you have to do is change your attitude. Yes, that simple. SAY WHAT? This can be very difficult at times.
That leads me into Serenity. The very common Serenity Prayer repeated at both AA and NA to close meetings, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." So the tricky part for me was "the wisdom to know the difference", however with this new found knowledge and enlightenment of realizing nothing outside of me has to change to bring serenity. Once faced with a problem, decision, conversation, feeling, etc take a second and "to thine own self be true" decide whether you truly can change anything, once you have come to your truth then make a change even if it is hard. (easier said than done, but serenity is truly worth everything and anything to me so in reality I would do just about anything to get it) Now, on the other hand if you cannot change anything, I feel as though this is where the two last parts blur, you realize you cannot change anything through wisdom, but with wisdom you can still change you. Do you see what I did there? No matter what situation you are in or faced with you can ALWAYS decide to change you.
Here's a couple quotes to put into words what I may not be wording correctly, and definitely not as poetically. Viktor E. Frankl was a holocaust survivor, I love to read his words in his book Man's Search for Meaning, but two quotes from him are: "“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” and "“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
I just recently had an experience with a family member who tried to slander my name and say some hurtful things about me. These words were all supposed to be anonymous so they were pretty raw. In a very brief synopsis they made a phone call telling others that if I ever was around pills I would steal them, I shouldn't be allowed in a facility where a loved one was living for the safety of my family member, and one more sweet cherry on top was I have been giving this loved one pills to make her crazy. Other things were said but you get the jist of it. Obviously by the last one you would think I could totally disregard this anonymous phone call from every happening, but I couldn't shake it thinking someone out there would truly be that hurtful to say that about me (I am not naive trust me I get that people are Jack A's but maybe it was because I never thought someone would purposely go out of there way after a couple years into recovery and use my past against me in such a hurtful middle school way). I later found out that the phone call was from someone in my family whom I haven't spoken with in person for quite sometime and have a pretty fair weathered relationship with, meaning I rarely see them and conversation happens infrequently, but I love them, it would have been easier with someone I didn't really care about.
So this is the coming together of this post, I had to make a decision. I had to look at what had happened and see all the pieces fall together and find my truth. My truth is that this person hurt me, they said things that a couple years ago would have been more than valid, however they said things that never in all the eternity's would ever happen (never say never except when for real and legitimately would never happen, I'm an addict if I was in active addiction I'm not going to drug someone else I'm keeping that for myself, but I would also never drug a loved one to make them crazy, that is crazy :] ). So I am left with, I am hurt by what was true a couple years ago, but I've changed, but this family member doesn't even live in the state so how would they know. Do you see how stepping back is very important, initial gut reaction is call them and say every swear word you can think of and finish it off by see you next Tuesday. But with an eternal perspective and trying my best to live in God's will the gray doesn't seem so gray anymore there definitely was something that needed to happen that was in my power to change outside of me. I confronted them, I cleaned up my side of the street. Sorry this is anticlimactic because it was radio silence on their end.
The truth is God knows what He is doing, when we are tested, tempted, confused, doubtful, fearful, etc God knows he allowed that to happen. Gray areas come to test our serenity it is our choice to use the Holy Ghost to guide us through the murky water. When you get to a tunnel while driving do you pull over because you cannot see anymore? No you keep driving using you lights to guide you out and then you can look back at the tunnel at what it protected you from or what you went through. Just like this time in my life you may never get a response, never know why you chose to tell the harder truth, or why you had to smile at random strangers in Costco, but God does know why and to keep my life serene it is much easier to change what is inside me and chose to look at things from an eternal perspective and make choices based on my truth which now aligns with God's will.
In fewer words- to live in God's will during gray areas when there isn't an easy choice, use the Holy Ghost to guide you, there you will find your serenity.
One more quote from Frankl, “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”
Bless this earthly life where we get to chose our own meaning, goodnight.
